Dear Lovey,

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First let me begin with how much you make my heart race and skip beats day after day, the butterflies in my stomach are back that I never thought I would ever feel by someone again.. Your name and your face clouds my mind in a constant daydream that never ends. You send chills and flutters along my body that I didn't even know could do.. You keep me smiling so much my cheeks hurt.. and I can finally say I feel so damn happy I could cry happy tears for once instead of ones of misery and pain that were usually how I'd fall asleep every night but instead I fall asleep to that sweet smile on your handsome face and the warmth of also making your day as you do of mine... I have fallen deep in love with you and never wish to break out of it. You cherish me in ways nobody showed such adoration.. You show appreciation in ways I always felt ignored by others. You make me feel far more special than I ever thought I was worth and put me on a high pedestal with your obsession of me as I am of you and I share your position in my heart because you too are on a high pedestal as well.... I must say you have helped waken a part of me that I thought was never going to open or be experienced in my love life.. or really life in general for that matter. I was at a point of giving up on love or even the thought of a man before you returned. I have tried with others but there was always something that just didn't sit right with me. Either an insecurity overrode me and opened my eyes to drop it because of signs I knew not to ignore that I once ignored for someone else and deeply regretted it later for allowing myself to live in it, or they left on their own in some sort of really screwed up way every time it became to a point an unbreakable cycle that you have now made come to a complete end by giving and being the exact opposite that I've always had and being that change in my life.. Let me explain. I have many people in my life.. or once had.. Some are still there. Some, no longer. You have caused a bright light to shine for me every day out of the darkness I have lived so long in that nobody else was able to break me out of, no matter how hard or how long they have tried, even those closest to me. But here you are. It may be hard for others to hear me say this to you, when maybe they might feel it should've been said to them once upon a time but I am going to say the reason why it's more meant for you than it ever was for anyone else... Sure, others have been there for me.. thick and thin.. sure loyalty in friendship was sometimes shown by few.. but then there's this big thing for me when a person is more than just their words... the reason this is more meant for you is because you have constantly calmed and reassured every concern, every fear, every worry you know I have and you easily put my mind at peace with ease and that is something most don't seem to understand. I love the public affection you show back to me, not just privately. You give everything I give back in return, I never had that with anyone, it was always rather one sided. You have kept your word to me even after I expressed a concern of abandonment or a repeat of the only past I have ever known. You see, with others they told me one thing but did another.. I know I had done the same before myself.. even recently and I know how terrible that can feel to do to someone you care deeply about when you know you were genuine with them at the moment such a promise was made.. but things unfortunately change and open your eyes to things you allow yourself to be blinded to and sometimes it's just for the better so you don't lose someone you love over an insecurity you can't get over.. But somehow you have managed the one thing no other guy was ever able to do... You soothe my overthinking mind and you calm my inner peace when I'm worrying or having doubts, upset and worked up, anxious and nerve wrecked, and even pissed off... I don't know how you do it but just hearing your voice does the trick.. seeing you smile or hearing a sincere compliment from you does it on it's own.. Anyone else tried that and I was always rolling my eyes saying "yea right.. that will change I just waited to be proven right"...which they eventually always did one way or another... but I don't feel that way with you because you have proved yourself to be different from the rest and I absolutely love and cherish you for it. I smile and blush when you compliment me.. I don't feel like it's just words you're saying to get more from me.. You say it to make me feel better about myself and so I know that I am loved by you and you do it to see a smile cross my face because it makes your day entirely to see me happy and feel better about ME. Just when I feel I might be overwhelming, you welcome my weirdness and let me know I can never be too much, that I am perfectly enough and even more and appreciated for being the me that I already am. I wanted to leave the idea of relationships before you by about 2 years or so ago, for a while just to work on myself, my self love and self acceptance... To be frank with you I wasn't completely succeeding.. but I was slowly progressing but was still struggling on the one thing I was constantly put down about throughout my life...My appearance. Honestly, everything else about myself I have always loved once I became more outspoken and a stronger individual for myself without the need of someone else sticking up for me or having my back to defend me when I didn't have the know-how nor the courage or backbone to speak up for myself, I always lived in some sort of fear which is in no way to live. You have helped me learn better how to love, accept and appreciate myself just the way that I am without looking for more out of myself, without needing to change how I look, or expecting someone to agree with the negative thoughts I have about my appearance.. You are teaching me to love myself by how you love me in return in the ways that you do so strongly. By seeing how much alike we are, it's not just you I'm falling in live with.. I'm finally falling in love with myself and it's so freeing to finally feel that about myself. I want to thank you for all of it. You've already shown action to everything you have told me, swore to me, promised me and what not. You don't go back on what you say, you don't choose someone else. Instead, we are making further future plans already and it sounds crazy to some but between you and I, it just feels right. It don't even feel rushed at all because we feel we have known each other for lifetimes before this and everything has just instantly fallen into place out of nowhere without a single intention. What the others don't realize is that I was just as your friend in the first place with no further intention, just by noticing you, your posts, listening to what you were saying without bluntly saying it and being concerned about you and there for you when you were in a very dark place and you felt invisible to the world and felt no longer important. But without it all happening, I'd probably not have the life with you that I have now with you being in it as much as you are. I wouldn't have gotten blessed with you. I have only known you for about 2 years now and this love we have suddenly formed.. was very unintentional, unexpected, unplanned.. and is kind of hard to really explain to others who don't understand it literally just.. happened. Anyway, what I have come to realize is something rather deep and personal that you have helped open my eyes to see the difference and given my life the experience although I'm not the only one of us to experience this of the differences is this.. Desiring something from someone who gives less or nothing back without begging for it, and giving your all and receiving it all back willingly, are 2 very different things. Talking from personal experience but having expectations is one thing, until people make you believe those expectations are "too high" or "too much" and make you think you have to "sacrifice" or should I say "settle" rather just to find happiness in life.. only to never, or rarely receive any of it back willingly rather than "pushed or forced" is like complete and utter torture. Never being noticed when you do something to earn appreciation or a thank you, receiving love and affection without asking or begging for it just to be noticed, being misunderstood when a mood changes, you give less than they are used to receiving when all you want is to be understood, or when expectations aren't being met and you get blamed or accused of other things instead of being trusted and believed when they refuse to take any responsibility or fall of their guilt and getting the finger pointed to shadow their wrongdoing, and the fact of desiring to be wanted as much as you have wanted them, but then you're pushed aside and treated like you're nothing and tossed like trash like you never mattered or aren't important and talked down upon and gaslighted toward other people to turn against you as if you were never accepted or loved and every behavior we receive be excused by them and accepted by others who want you out the picture, and just pushed out the door even deeper by others in their ear, but also by secluding ourselves to live in it anyway because of the fear of starting over or the fear of never finding better because we believed this is what we deserve because it's what was handed to us but that is not the case. That was the cycle you removed me from. The consequence of sticking to those hurtful situations only closes us off from the world and shuts us down and makes us feel worse about ourselves and we then become someone we never thought we would be.. That being the only life we knew and believed it to be "Love" and learning that it wasn't that word as much as we originally thought. We were settling for what we thought was a life worth living, trying to make someone else happy believing it would eventually bring us happiness too but never does, or hoping for a "maybe a change of things in the situation in time" but in turn it was killing our very being to the point of the desire to end our life itself as if it was worth it for them to finally notice or want us.. Our thought process in that very moment is "whatever it takes to get that from them, that's the final form of thought we can possibly think of"... Just to see if they would realize our vanishing presence or even notice we are gone if it even matters to them at all. But that's just it.. how can we see their reaction to such a thing if we end our very breath to live in order to witness it? The thing you have done for me most is show true acceptance, even after every flaw and issue I have thrown to your knowledge that would usually turn a man away from me, you stuck to me anyway. You see my flaws and love me, scars of my past and insecurities, old baggage, current baggage and all. You love me still without question. You have shown constant appreciation for me and give me 1,000,000% and infinity of your attention and affection and aren't shy to show me off the way one should that I have always desired from others but never once received without having to ask it of them, or being told they aren't like me with knowing how to use my words to my advantage to express myself, or that I was pressuring them to do more when they thought they had to do nothing at all.. You do all the same things I would as far as the special things and quiet gestures to make me feel special and loved. You don't request to hide me, you don't body shame me or talk badly behind my back about me, you don't go flirting with other girls planning other relationships behind me, you make promises to me and you back them up, you don't use my past against me, your eyes are set bright to the future and very well focused on us, you have taken the time to listen and understand why I am how I am and have even gone through all that I have and comforted me over them to know that I am not alone and worth better than what I have received before you and reassure me that you will always give your all.. You understand me in more than one sense which I find crazy but incredibly outstanding. You have given me every reason not to doubt myself, my worth, my intelligence.. and you don't turn down my ideas or shut me up to be heard, you welcome my interests and curiosities without question or rejection. You welcome my silence without throwing at me that I'm giving any less of myself to you or ever assume I'm giving attention to someone else when I am just comfortable even in silence with you when we both don't know what else to really say because we have already talked about so much topic after topic, game after game we play, we just keep each other happy and full of each others company every day regardless what we are doing all while attending the other willingly without a bore. You continue to listen and understand me. Even when I get constantly distracted and frustrated with my kids or other people, you keep me at bound to my peace of mind that everything's going to be okay and remind me to relax and take a breath and that you're not going anywhere and that you support me. I grow separation anxiety which hits my immediate attachment to you, I begin to pace in a panic like motion that I don't like being separated from you for a moment without being able to talk to you when I need to give my phone a break because it needs charge and is dying but I am not near a charger to do so.. only other way to calm me down is to walk or make myself find something to do until I can get it charged to talk to you, see you, and hear your voice.. I always desperately need my bubby to relax me again.. You have been steadily open with your mind and honest with your heart toward me on everything we talk about even if I might disagree with the answer you give, you don't cause argument or misjudge my interpretation on things I say, instead you choose to listen. You allow me to feel how I feel and think how I think without passing any criticism or judgement, you're always so positive and I have needed so much more of that in my life and you give that to me with such ease and a strong dose of it. I hope you never change. You don't go forward with assumptions against me, instead you go forward with understanding me as well as you possibly can and you do it with such an open heart. Half the time I don't even have to go into explaining because you're the exact same way and have gone through pretty much the same things I have so you already understand me on a much deeper level than anyone else ever was able to do. That takes a load off the pressure of feeling like I always have to explain myself over nothing. You take that need of a habit away. You have given me pure acceptance of who I am, you have allowed me to be me without judgement or accusations, you have welcomed my overpowering love and affection that some may consider to be "too much" or overbearing, but instead you want to douge yourself in me and everything I want to give out and more because you give all the same and more back that I wouldn't naturally expect all to receive, only some, because no other ever has ever given it to me truly or fully but I appreciate every try, every gesture, every thought given over me.. I am beyond thankful for you in my life.. and more so..to love and be loved by as much as you do in the exact same powerful ways that I love you in return. You're so darn amazing, beautiful as a person and just as special as a person can be. I am more thankful that I have someone so alike and that's gone through all the same crap and situations I have because it gives us both an even deeper understanding of each other I didn't quite have with anyone else and honestly knowing all this I believe is the reason why my mind is set at ease because your efforts and experiences match mine to a very high extent I never expected anyone else to understand my exact life so deeply. Sure, others have been there and heard or seen what I was put through.. But those same people were the ones who walked away or gave up on me too, leaving me with the fear of abandonment and rejection, sometimes even leaving without a reason or goodbye, just completely ghosted me. You have only heard of it all from me and have somehow healed me in all ways and more that I only could have hoped from others to do before you but the efforts were never completely there by them. Sure, I've been told promises by so many people and such, but.. I know the same promises were also told to others and weren't followed through but proven and shown otherwise, and that's why it's just words to me if no action is done to prove that with me, that it's at all different than the rest that have heard the same. Anything can be told to me that was said to other girls.. but show no action and I back off and even disappear if I feel it's necessary. That is usually when they wonder why my trust and action to stick around in that aspect doesn't exist or is difficult if not impossible to gain or keep. You didn't have to prove that to me in order to gain anything from me because it had already happened for you before you chose to want me and you put the effort in like it's so easy because even I know it is easy when you really want something out of it to last, especially if it's a lifetime you want, not just something temporary.. You wanted me before and still felt strongly about another and I understood the reasoning to end the idea of us back then and I accepted that and even I had someone else in mind before you came along the first time but realized then that I had to end it with them before you and I ever got close because I realized I was becoming someone I never wanted to become and I left that situation as much as it hurt me to do so, thankfully they understood exactly where I was coming from but still. This situation is somewhat similar but not quite the same. The difference is that you showed your loyalty and faith for one and only one, the one you were supposed to choose over anyone. You showed you're willing to fight to make things work and drop other side desires to have what you thought would be forever before, even if it meant you lived a miserable and unhappy life, now your moving on from that and wanting to try again with me, this time truly choosing me. That is why I admire the hell out of you. This is why it is not an issue for me to see you for you the way you come, the way you are. I have seen you differentiate yourself, your situation, and your choices when you decide something for yourself for the better. You don't try to make excuses or try to have more than what you need or want. You have shown your willing to fight for what you want in your life and who you love regardless who comes along. That is why you convince me your words are more than just that. You proved your actions for someone else before we became "us", and that alone convinces me you mean what you tell me, word for word. You have helped me realize that desiring something and not getting it willingly is one thing, receiving those things in return and more than ever expected without asking or begging, is another and feels like a gift of peace and completion. You love me beyond ways I was ever shown, you appreciate me in ways I was never told, you accept me in ways people turned me down full of denial and rejection, you accepted my scars, flaws, and all without asking me to change for your approval. That alone is huge. You understand me on a depth no one else could ever wish to achieve the level of.. You help open my spirit to shine brighter than it ever has and I don't feel I have to walk on eggshells or worry on what I'm allowed to say or feel or even do to show you everything back. I can talk to you about anything and everything regardless the topic or cause. You don't get mad at me for writing something publicly viewed about you that is meant to be special.. you don't judge the thoughtful things I do by criticizing if it's too girly.. or too much.. You don't get frustrated or annoyed with me when I send long messages or tons of photos I wish to give you all at once or even when I ask to hear your voice or see you either by a video call or a voice message or photo, you give it willingly without a complaint or excuse. You aren't some weird sicko asking for very specific photos or poses of me for your pleasures, you let me be the one comfortable enough to send things to you on my own time and comfort and desire to give to you if i so choose to. You don't care because it's coming from me and it's meaningful and you actually appreciate me and everything I am and all I do. You welcome it with pride. You help me not feel ashamed to feel better about myself, if anything you have helped me learn to love myself more than I ever have, and I only hope to do the same for you. I am more thankful to have you in my life because if you never entered it to begin with then I doubt I would have ever truly experienced what it is like to have peace at mind of my overthinking and dark thoughts that usually crowd and drown me under their negativity. Your light in my life has shined so bright in this short time, that it has made those dark moments just disappear with ease. That's the peace you give me. You get quiet and anxious and overthink as I do, but have admitted I shut those down every day. You do the same thoughtful things I naturally give in a relationship, you express your feelings the same ways I do especially in large poetic writings as I normally give.. this unfortunately is more a letter than a poem lol. (Btw, told you it would end up being a book ) What I love most is you let your goofy side out freely and comfortably without feeling you gutta hide who you are, just as I have, and it doesn't make us feel awkward either.. You're weird and dorky like me too and I freaking love it. You worry like I do about being a bit much or too clingy or attatched...no baby that's exactly how I want someone to feel about me and I feel lucky that that someone is you. You even feel about yourself in the same ways I have always felt about my own appearance and body, it was always difficult to take compliments and actually believe them. I have never had someone match me so perfectly.. I know nobody is perfect but that is exactly how I see you in my eyes, flaws, experiences, anxieties and all. Do not fret for I am not going anywhere and these are all the reasons why. This isn't something that happens for everyone, it's one of those "once in a lifetime" kind of things to truly find at this level of extent. It isn't something you can exactly pass up or just make happen if your eyes have been opened to it to notice it rather than declining because we were blinded before. Who else has ever had the opportunity like this cross their path more than once?.. I will tell you it's called "Reason." I know things happen for the better and I believe that it's what brought us to each other now instead of a later time. Like you said things could have gone so much worse before and things would be so different now if it wasn't for how things played out before, and it wasn't even anything between us, it was our situations we were in before at that time that got in the way of a "what could've been." It's so rare to have someone that understands on such deep levels, who has experienced literally all the same shit as I have, or felt the ways I did in certain situations, thinks as I do, does as I do, appreciates and loves as I do, even acts as I do.. and dresses as I do lol (yes the Nirvana shirt haha). You are me in another body as I am you. This is how I felt that made us feel as one. This is why this feels more "meant to be" than any other relationship I have ever tried or thought to try.. never was it this much of an extent or reality that you give me the awakening of what a soulmate truly is. What I thought was a good idea turned out to be more insecurities for me rising before anything even started regardless what was told to me I just couldn't ignore the warning signs I once let myself be blind to years ago. What I thought was love once was the exact thing that destroyed the biggest and best part of me. I was once very spontaneous and wild at heart but since that destruction turned me into almost ashes, I never thought I'd feel those ways again or be my old self again.. Feeling as I did in high school.. being chippy and cheerful every day like a child.. dorky as I've ever been.. not caring for judgement just taking in acceptance and finally learning to love me for me the way I am not believing or listening to how others were perceiving me to be or feel or putting me down to hate myself in ways I never was the words they said of me but I believed them over a period of time and I fell into the darkness they all created for me. You do so much for me that probably half of the things you never knew you do for me. You challenge me to be positive about myself and give that love and affection to myself as I give to those I care about. I love you so dang much I feel complete for once. I feel all the right things, for ONCE! Everything I knew I was worth receiving you show me, and more. Everything I never believed I was asking too much for, you give it all and MORE! I doubt I will ever expect more out of you because you already give me far more than your all. I hope you are mine for eternity because this mind and heart isn't changing about you or us. You have someone now that will love you hard and always accept you as you come and believes in you for whatever you wanna be or do in your life. Someone who wants to see you shine, not throw you in the pit of darkness. I want to see you live, not disappear from life itself. Baby you matter Far too much to me to lose you in such a way. I want you happy, not miserable ever.. and I will do anything that makes that happen for you to achieve it. I will always be thankful for you. God gave me everything I ever asked for and all He knew I needed, and He even went above and beyond when He gave me you, when He created YOU. You mean so much to me in ways most wouldn't understand.. but as long as you and I understand it, then that's all that matters. The best part is, the kids are absolutely astonished and in love with you too!!! You are simply everything we all need and want in a family and you make the perfect addition, sweet love. What counts now is the past we both lived is over.. and we are starting a NEW and brighter beginning!! You will never have to worry of those things again. I simply won't allow it because you are so much more than to feel that way about life. I knew you deserved to be happier then...and I can only feel lucky that I am the one who gets to share it with you and be that one to give it to you by giving you exactly what you knew you wanted and questioned if you would ever be good enough to receive everything you desired and needed too. Well hunny, question it no further, for I will give it all to you every day to prove to you that you ARE worth all of your desired treatments and pleasures. You're worth a lifetime of happiness and I am so proud to call you mine. That is officially everything I wanted to say.

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Sincerely and lovely yours,

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Your beautiful Jessie

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P.S.

I love youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!