Kat KittyLove   

A Letter To Understand Me...

 

A friend came up to me one day and said they don't have it as well put together as I do....

 

This was my reply..

 

Oh huh.. trust me.. I don't have it as together as I make it seem. Deep down I'm tangled up inside and don't know how to untie myself from burdens I let myself bare. There's thoughts in my mind I can't escape that I let roam wild and free that depress me extravagantly. But there's one thing I refuse to kill off because they hold the one person that's most precious to me and every moment I've spared to have with him, every word said, every emotion felt within..every year that he allowed me to be close beside him.. to hold him to kiss him and to have that chance to tell him how I feel in each and every way I could possible, and prove my love for him.. The one person I can't have. Even the most positive of things hurt me inside. Negative things always overcome them. I can't help but break down when happy things continue between us, but even more off when we fight. I cant help but feel them get killed off each moment my mind reminisces. Last night I listened to a song on repeat that he showed me, until I fell asleep crying to God to help me, and now that song is stuck in my head and repeating like a broken record. Is someone trying to tell me something? To keep holding on? To let go? I feel my hope is vanishing from my heart but there's still some kind of light left that shines in the darkness of my heart where that hope is still somehow alive..and that hope circles around his face.. Even after all the rejection, pain, replacement, carelessness, struggle, unaccepted, unfaithful, dishonest things that came to me through other peoples actions... There's something about him that keeps pulling me in. I'm a fish on a hook and I don't want to be thrown back into the sea of being alone but I've learned I probably won't ever truly be accepted or wanted by the one I've hoped deeply for the most to recognize me, accept me, and love me as I love him.. I've always just been told by others something like they can't do it because they feel afraid about something or leave me for someone else or with some lame excuse... I just wish someone would appreciate what they have with me regardless of anything or anyone else the way that he does. I don't know why I've wanted so much more with him though it's always been in the back of my mind it will never be. But I can't help I only want what I give in return, and though he might not think he does, but he always has. He's always been enough for me just the way he is. But as of late it's obvious that wanting something that's precious to my heart is too much to ask of anyone. That isn't exactly a bad thing. The love is there tho it may be silent, the smile and laughter are there every moment..and my hand only stays reaching out to him...hoping he will someday grab a hold of my hand and not let go. I don't care that I've waited. He's always been more than worth it whether he believes it or not about himself. He doesn't feel he is right for me and that is something I don't quite understand why. The good things here only speak of him, but anything bad speaks of future things. But that hope there has just about died. I've given up the thought of having "true love" now it only seems to be a set of empty words inside of a nightmares dream that I can't wake up from.. I can only let that go, but a part of me still clings onto it hoping that I am wrong and that the little girl from my past still hopes and dreams that her prince in her fairy tale will eventually come along, take his helmet off and show his face to her and open his heart and save her before she decides life is better off alone so pain cant destroy her more than it already has...but sadly I feel I am already at that point in life where I just feel like giving up everything that ever meant anything to me.. The longer I go without it the more I feel God is telling me I don't deserve it..and now my desire has begun to fade out into ash by the flame that burns in my heart. Those flames are what make my chest hurt and cause my eyes to leak each tear that falls. All it is now is a memory. Just because I give a smile and laugh and act okay, doesn't mean that I am on the inside. Actually, I'm quite torn apart. Even though it hurts, it's something I won't let go of. That pain in my heart that is being caused let's me know I still feel. Helps me keep knowing I am alive. Am I enough? Will I ever be enough for anyone? Where is my knight in shining armor? Will it be him? Nah. Probably not. But the wait is worth finding out.

 

Another friend later in the day felt exactly this way so I showed it to them as well.